é sábado,

12 2023 17

12:00pm PST

In a daydream state, I am melting, 

They say one door open when another door close, 

I’m praying that’s the way that it goes, 

I know just what I want,

Right when I’m about to turn the doorknob,

it seems like it’s all locked up, key decomposed,

reminding myself that this is the life that I chose,

Stay afloat, you can’t fight the waves boy,

listen to the rush, 

let it rush all over,

Time stops still, 

going nowhere,

It’s clear that it’s not real,

we’re drifting in space,

Oh..

Mind games, manipulation,

headaches, allegations,

usually, I stay tucked away,

It was so nice to know ya,

I’d much rather be alone,

I’m packing up and leaving home,

God, use me,

I want to get away,

my plate is full,

I’m sure you’re cooking something better,

Raised from the dead, I’ll be flying overhead,

feet don’t fail me now,

Walking to the mountains, body electric,

lighting in my eyes, 

Who am I to cast it upon?

Like a fucking dream I am living in, 

life is sweet like cinnamon,

American dreams, I’ve finally found you,

how do you like me now?

Hollow, old ghost, what’s the news? What’s the news? 

Following strange old signs left along the path,

Count on this one.

é quinta-feira,

5 2022 26

3:07pm PST

I’m standing at the kitchen counter. I just moved from the dining room table that used to sit on the green, black and gold, art deco area rug in the right center of the front room. I was sitting on the bench facing the sliding doors. I want to be close to the sun, the lime tree, Lima. It’s chilly on the patio and there are way too many distractions on Steiner.

A new seat at the table. A different position. A change in perspective.

Mars continues to transport her belongings into our soon to be shared space. Flower painted trinkets, jewelry holders and tchotchkes, magnets, photo memories, cracked coasters, bookmarks, and mugs made for coffee. Lemon and lime holders, mauve shell-shaped salt shaker, a garlic pedestal hand made by Niamh. 

A blending, a merger, the combining of two aesthetics. 

I had an episode last night. Triggered by the ushering in of Mars’ belongings, a playlist titled “{California},” and a feeling reminiscent of when I never thought anything was wrong. Oh, plus a Vietnamese iced coffee from Les Croissants Donuts.

I sang with my chest the songs that have soundtracked flights of the past. I danced as I cooked veggie fried rice for all to see. Mars hung on for the ride, baking chocolate chip banana bread by my side. She is grieving both a loss of freedom and privacy while also brimming with joy and excitement as she embarks on this new journey. Both and.

I think about how this merge is not occurring on neutral ground. Although Mars spends a large percentage of her time here, this is still very much my space. There are rituals, routines and ways in which things get done.

It feels as though parts of me are being erased as they become touched by Mars. I later thought that they are not being erased, but simply changed, transformed. 

What do we know about change? We know that it’s messy. It can hurt, make us uncomfortable, and be outright hard to handle. 

Marissa and I are now in a new phase of our relationship. Things will soon begin to blend into each other. Definitions and sides will no longer serve their purpose.

Blend. Merge. Surrender.

é terça-feira,

8 2021 31

I rise on Sunday in the late morning and throw on a pair of black denim from Banana. I need structure, I don’t have big plans.

I call for Howie. I take him for a piss in the courtyard. 

I have a strong affinity for classic Topo Chico. A job that treads across my soul. A desire for more.

Haven’t seen friends in some time now. My wardrobe is tired. I’m hitting the gym four times a week.

I’ve been called to be the leader of the new regime once again. My peers watch with bright eyes as I live out in the open. They’ve since retired to lives lived indoors. 

My memory is fading. Recalling details from earlier in the day is becoming a challenge. I started smoking less. 

I’m going to LA September 23rd-26th for a photo shoot. Putting in some work on the brand. 

I have decided to surrender to the unknown. The world, the circumstances around you, can all change in an instant and without warning.

In the past I would front-load for the potential adverse events that could happen in my life. Another episode, trip to the psych ward, abandonment, general let down. 

Now I am focused on my breath as it flows into my lungs and back out into the world. I watch my thoughts without claiming them as my own. I am living and very much alive. 

I feel it all. Most days it is too much. I’ve realized that no one is coming. Nobody gives a damn what it is I’m going through, the way in which I see the world, or the forces working against me. No one cares.

I’m not sad. I’m not angry either although it may appear as such. Something deep down is burning, glowing, rising. I’ve attained a new level of perception. Ascended to a new level of consciousness.

I feel. I am. Pray for yourself.